Mike got a phone call from his friend Danny the other night. He told Mike he better prepare himself for what's about to take place in our house. I've been under the control of synthetic hormones for so long and my emotions have been somewhat under control because of that. Since I'm no longer on birth control, my emotions can run free.
and boy have they!
I was visiting with my neurologist yesterday and he thinks my 18 days of headaches were caused by hormones. I'm still going in for a brain scan at the end of the week though so we'll see. The doctor asked me if I was actually ADHD or was I just taking adderral. I told him I was ADHD and he asked if I was all over the place since being off the meds. I feel like I have myself under control but then again, I was never as bad as some people. It's hard to explain to an outsider that I have no reason to be medicated right now. I'm not in school and my job is a breeze. Granted I forget to pick up the newspaper from time to time and all hell breaks loose but that's the extent of my trouble on the job. Sitting at work for 8 hours a day with NOTHING to do is my version of hell when I'm on medication. I'm so focused.... ON THE CLOCK. I had nothing else to focus on. Time crawled by. At least now my thoughts are so scattered that the simplest task can send me in 20 different directions and turns a 5 minute project in to a 55 minute project. I'm not complaining... I love to stay busy.
I know I can overwhelm people sometimes because I have episodes where I'm all over the place and excited and going a million miles an hour (Mike deals with this mostly) but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because that's ME. That's MY emotion. I feel it. and then I start crying because I feel emotion. * Cue Mike shaking his head and mumbling something about Danny being right*
My point is, it feels good to feel again.
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
ADHD
Two years ago I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. ADHD wasn't a huge deal in my life other than my boss would get really annoyed because I couldn't seem to get much accomplished.
Un-medicated, I would literally walk in circles in my desk area thinking of all the things I had to get done. As soon as I'd head in one direction, it'd click that I needed to do *this* and would head back to where I started from but then I'd remember *that* and go the other way. It was constant until I could get myself to sit down and write it out.
Medicated, I could just write the list and then do it.
Un-medicated my mind went a million and two miles per hour. I had all these thoughts and ideas but I just couldn't get them out. I was happy though. Just a bit scattered.
Medicated.... that went away. I stopped writing. I stopped creating. I .... I just stopped. Life became very "this is what needs to be done and this is how it will be accomplished". and that's great... don't get me wrong, but I immediately felt stifled. At first I was ok with that but as time went on, I got bored.
I guess the boredom is a big part of the medication process. We always hear about bipolar people tired of not feeling or they feel sane so they stop taking their meds. Are we a society that's not meant to feel? Sometimes life is easier when we don't feel. It can be easier to numb that feeling (whatever it may be) than actually deal with it. Often times, we don't have the tools to deal with it and therefore just medicate.
Anyway. Last week I took the final exam in my nutrition class and I also stopped taking Adderral. I figured if I'm not in school I don't need it. My job is easy enough now that I think I can handle it un-medicated.
So today, Thursday, is day 6 un-medicated and I can feel the difference. At first I thought it was just excitement (or possibly the mexican coke) but now.... now I feel like it's more than that. My brain is seriously going crazy. An hour ago I set my lap top down and started getting ready for bed. I felt that I had finally cleared my head enough to get some rest. Only while I was putting on lotion and petting the cat (bad combo, btw) a million more thoughts started coming in.
Part of reaching optimal health is going to include getting rid of the various prescriptions I'm on. I don't particularly have to be on any of them so I think it's best to see what life is like without them.
Un-medicated, I would literally walk in circles in my desk area thinking of all the things I had to get done. As soon as I'd head in one direction, it'd click that I needed to do *this* and would head back to where I started from but then I'd remember *that* and go the other way. It was constant until I could get myself to sit down and write it out.
Medicated, I could just write the list and then do it.
Un-medicated my mind went a million and two miles per hour. I had all these thoughts and ideas but I just couldn't get them out. I was happy though. Just a bit scattered.
Medicated.... that went away. I stopped writing. I stopped creating. I .... I just stopped. Life became very "this is what needs to be done and this is how it will be accomplished". and that's great... don't get me wrong, but I immediately felt stifled. At first I was ok with that but as time went on, I got bored.
I guess the boredom is a big part of the medication process. We always hear about bipolar people tired of not feeling or they feel sane so they stop taking their meds. Are we a society that's not meant to feel? Sometimes life is easier when we don't feel. It can be easier to numb that feeling (whatever it may be) than actually deal with it. Often times, we don't have the tools to deal with it and therefore just medicate.
Anyway. Last week I took the final exam in my nutrition class and I also stopped taking Adderral. I figured if I'm not in school I don't need it. My job is easy enough now that I think I can handle it un-medicated.
So today, Thursday, is day 6 un-medicated and I can feel the difference. At first I thought it was just excitement (or possibly the mexican coke) but now.... now I feel like it's more than that. My brain is seriously going crazy. An hour ago I set my lap top down and started getting ready for bed. I felt that I had finally cleared my head enough to get some rest. Only while I was putting on lotion and petting the cat (bad combo, btw) a million more thoughts started coming in.
Part of reaching optimal health is going to include getting rid of the various prescriptions I'm on. I don't particularly have to be on any of them so I think it's best to see what life is like without them.
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| I'm actually running two printers and two computers today. I can't focus! |
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| The other side of my desk. It's pure CHAOS. |
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| Our dog, Zara. Because it wouldn't be a post about ADD without something totally random. |
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