Admission

If you know me in real life, let's not talk about me being sad. I'm too proud to ever admit it in person.

I'm sad. And I don't feel like I should be. I have a fantastic life. I would not change anything at all. . I should of taken Mike up on his offer to send me to Austin for the weekend. Stupid reasons swayed my decision to not go.

I've gotten in to a slump when Mike leaves. When I first started this blog, I was so motivated. He would leave and I was all over the place and ready to prove my independence. Only something changed and I gave up. Maybe the first few weeks I was still coming off the adderrall so I still had that drug fueled drive?

I have drive when Mike is here though so it doesn't make much sense to me. I don't want to be that codependent person who needs someone to drive her to do things. I can be active on my own.

I have this habit of not asking people to do things because I have already come up with reasons why they don't want to hang out with me. It takes me a lot of courage to reach out to someone. If they say they are busy, it crushes me. Why didn't I ask earlier? I think of a million reasons why they don't want to be around me. It's stupid.

I've been watching myself go to this place. It's a place I don't want to go.

When Mike started traveling, everybody was so worried about me. I scoffed at the suggestion that maybe I'd be lonely without him. I'm a strong, independent woman who values her alone time! But maybe I've had too much alone time?

I bet a lot of wives would love to have a few weekends a month to do their own thing!

Anyway, I'm at the fork in the road. One way leads me to darkness and the other has hope. One is the easy place and one forces me to face my fears.

I've reached out to some people tonight. There is a 90% chance they will be busy tomorrow morning and I realize that has nothing to do with me as a person. If they are busy, I will go for a swim tomorrow.

I have to break the cycle.