A few weeks ago, Mike spilled water on all of my electronics. Each one at different times. It still makes me laugh. My iPod survived but my lap top is sort of on the fritz and I had to get a new blue tooth ear piece.
A new Macbook wasn't really in our budget and I've been wanting an iPad so I went for that instead. My real reason for wanting an iPad was so that I could take it the gym. If I can easily read or maybe watch some Netflix while I'm doing cardio, I might stay on more than 30 minutes. Truthfully, I've only tested this out 2 times. One time, I did a full hour, the other I got hungry and still needed to go tanning so I left after 5 minutes of cardio. In my defense, I had worked out with my trainer for 30 minutes prior so it wasn't a total wash.
It's not quite so easy to blog from an iPad. I need to get that handy little keyboard thing and maybe I'll get more done. Anyway, if you notice lots of typos and instead of spaces between words, there is the letter n... well, now you know why. I try to fix it but sometimes I don't catch it.
Anyway, the point of this post was to say Thank YOU to my friends and family who reached out to me. Tabitha, I even want to thank you for saying something when I said not to. I know you couldn't see behind my giant sunglasses but I was crying and not in a bad way. Also, thank you for encouraging me to doing the stairs two at a time. I'm sorry I didn't join you guys for dinner but my head was killing me.
My family.... my family wasn't much on talking about things. I love my mother dearly and maybe it was because she had me so young but we just didn't talk about feelings. I remember, as a teen, telling her I was sad or upset about a friend or boyfriend and her just telling me I'd get over it. It's not the end of the world. And I 100% know that she was right. It wasn't the end of the world when Jaclyn and I got in to that huge fight about I don't even know what. Guess what? We're still friends. We got over it.
At the same time though, I think it would of been nice to have been able to talk about why I was hurting. To have someone show compassion about why I was feeling the way I did. Yeah, it sucked when Justin and I broke up and I got over it but I felt like me having those feelings weren't justified. Or real.
I deal with not being able to talk about how I feel all the time. I feel like my feelings don't matter. and they do. They 100% do. I'm just so afraid that if I voice the way I feel, that it'll be brushed under the rug as not a big deal. And maybe they aren't in the big scheme of things, but right then, they feel real.
Everything is temporary. Nothing is forever. I learn how to work through issues day to day. Sometimes I wish these lessons were easier to learn but if they were..... would we really learn?
I had such a great day today. I did not make it out for a swim. I have the gym on my list tomorrow. I actually wrote out a list of things to do instead of making it my head. I make so many lists at work that I almost refuse to do it at home. That hasn't really gotten me very far though so here's to trying something new.
Gym - Swim? I've had some paddles that I want to work out with.
Tan - I know it's bad but it really makes me feel so much better and yes I could do it at the beach, but I'm not such a fan of the sand. or being in a bikini. haha.
Clean the floors - Mike will be floored if I do this (pun intended)
Laundry - I feel like shopping instead so we'll see.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Admission
If you know me in real life, let's not talk about me being sad. I'm too proud to ever admit it in person.
I'm sad. And I don't feel like I should be. I have a fantastic life.I would not change anything at all. . I should of taken Mike up on his offer to send me to Austin for the weekend. Stupid reasons swayed my decision to not go.
I've gotten in to a slump when Mike leaves. When I first started this blog, I was so motivated. He would leave and I was all over the place and ready to prove my independence. Only something changed and I gave up. Maybe the first few weeks I was still coming off the adderrall so I still had that drug fueled drive?
I have drive when Mike is here though so it doesn't make much sense to me. I don't want to be that codependent person who needs someone to drive her to do things. I can be active on my own.
I have this habit of not asking people to do things because I have already come up with reasons why they don't want to hang out with me. It takes me a lot of courage to reach out to someone. If they say they are busy, it crushes me. Why didn't I ask earlier? I think of a million reasons why they don't want to be around me. It's stupid.
I've been watching myself go to this place. It's a place I don't want to go.
When Mike started traveling, everybody was so worried about me. I scoffed at the suggestion that maybe I'd be lonely without him. I'm a strong, independent woman who values her alone time! But maybe I've had too much alone time?
I bet a lot of wives would love to have a few weekends a month to do their own thing!
Anyway, I'm at the fork in the road. One way leads me to darkness and the other has hope. One is the easy place and one forces me to face my fears.
I've reached out to some people tonight. There is a 90% chance they will be busy tomorrow morning and I realize that has nothing to do with me as a person. If they are busy, I will go for a swim tomorrow.
I have to break the cycle.
I'm sad. And I don't feel like I should be. I have a fantastic life.
I've gotten in to a slump when Mike leaves. When I first started this blog, I was so motivated. He would leave and I was all over the place and ready to prove my independence. Only something changed and I gave up. Maybe the first few weeks I was still coming off the adderrall so I still had that drug fueled drive?
I have drive when Mike is here though so it doesn't make much sense to me. I don't want to be that codependent person who needs someone to drive her to do things. I can be active on my own.
I have this habit of not asking people to do things because I have already come up with reasons why they don't want to hang out with me. It takes me a lot of courage to reach out to someone. If they say they are busy, it crushes me. Why didn't I ask earlier? I think of a million reasons why they don't want to be around me. It's stupid.
I've been watching myself go to this place. It's a place I don't want to go.
When Mike started traveling, everybody was so worried about me. I scoffed at the suggestion that maybe I'd be lonely without him. I'm a strong, independent woman who values her alone time! But maybe I've had too much alone time?
I bet a lot of wives would love to have a few weekends a month to do their own thing!
Anyway, I'm at the fork in the road. One way leads me to darkness and the other has hope. One is the easy place and one forces me to face my fears.
I've reached out to some people tonight. There is a 90% chance they will be busy tomorrow morning and I realize that has nothing to do with me as a person. If they are busy, I will go for a swim tomorrow.
I have to break the cycle.
Insecurities
They are something we all have.
I remember being at my great grandmothers house one summer and seeing a photo of an Aunt. The aunt looked totally different in that childhood photo than she did as an adult. Seeing that photo gave me hope. I hoped that because her looks totally changed from childhood to adulthood, that one day I might be pretty. I think I was 10.
I don't remember anyone ever telling me I was pretty. I wasn't a pretty child and I know that. My cousin was pretty. And skinny. I remember her telling me that kids at school would ask her why she was so skinny and I was so fat. She would tell them that I'm not fat, just big boned. I think I was 7.
I don't really remember when I started to feel pretty...maybe I still don't? I often look back at photos and remember how insecure I felt at that time. I usually also think, damn...I wish I looked like that now.
Why can't we appreciate our beauty all the time? Why do we only look back and think how pretty we were back then? Back when we were younger/thinner/prettier.
I know what I need to do but the path is not always clear.
I remember being at my great grandmothers house one summer and seeing a photo of an Aunt. The aunt looked totally different in that childhood photo than she did as an adult. Seeing that photo gave me hope. I hoped that because her looks totally changed from childhood to adulthood, that one day I might be pretty. I think I was 10.
I don't remember anyone ever telling me I was pretty. I wasn't a pretty child and I know that. My cousin was pretty. And skinny. I remember her telling me that kids at school would ask her why she was so skinny and I was so fat. She would tell them that I'm not fat, just big boned. I think I was 7.
I don't really remember when I started to feel pretty...maybe I still don't? I often look back at photos and remember how insecure I felt at that time. I usually also think, damn...I wish I looked like that now.
Why can't we appreciate our beauty all the time? Why do we only look back and think how pretty we were back then? Back when we were younger/thinner/prettier.
I know what I need to do but the path is not always clear.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Where ARE you?
Mike and I were at dinner the other night...It was perfect and wonderful and I've really come to cherish our time together. At some point during the night, I went to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and thought "gee, that girl looks homely". Not a good way to feel about your own reflection. When I got back to the table, I told mike that I gotta get my swagger back.
When I was living in Austin, I had MAD swagger! Ok, maybe not. But there was a lot less pressure living there and I generally felt pretty good about myself. I moved to Los Angeles and my confidence plummeted as my waist line expanded. Funny how that works.
Last week, Mike headed back to Africa and I went in to a slump. My slump had actually been approaching for awhile. I wasn't really accomplishing much with my fitness goals and starting to get discouraged. I don't think I was consuming enough calories with my exercise regimen and therefore started eating more. Only I wasn't making very good food choices. As I started eating more, I found reasons to work out less. My headaches weren't helping either. By last Saturday, I couldn't get out of bed. I had all these things I needed to accomplish and no desire to move.
It took me a few days to realize why I felt so down. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. The solution to this is easy. I take that back. The mathematical equation is easy...showing my work is not. I can use a calculator and show you that calories in must be fewer than calories out but actually doing and showing the work is far more difficult.
I made it out of bed that day and found my way to the gym. I've vowed to stop making excuses to miss appointments with my trainer, Jeff. When I am with Jeff I'm going to start giving it my all. I think I do anyway but I certainly complain the whole time we're working out. I will do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. It may not be much but it's a start.
I overloaded myself with goals and quickly started doubting myself. Once doubt sets in, I give up. It's easier to not attempt a goal than it is to deal with failure. What I failed to realize was that by not trying at all, I was setting myself up for instant disappointment.
With Mike gone so much, it's really important that I continue to focus on me and what makes me a happy and confidant woman. The old saying is true...if you aren't happy with yourself, how can you expect others to be happy with you?
Don't let anybody take your happy....not even you.
When I was living in Austin, I had MAD swagger! Ok, maybe not. But there was a lot less pressure living there and I generally felt pretty good about myself. I moved to Los Angeles and my confidence plummeted as my waist line expanded. Funny how that works.
Last week, Mike headed back to Africa and I went in to a slump. My slump had actually been approaching for awhile. I wasn't really accomplishing much with my fitness goals and starting to get discouraged. I don't think I was consuming enough calories with my exercise regimen and therefore started eating more. Only I wasn't making very good food choices. As I started eating more, I found reasons to work out less. My headaches weren't helping either. By last Saturday, I couldn't get out of bed. I had all these things I needed to accomplish and no desire to move.
It took me a few days to realize why I felt so down. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. The solution to this is easy. I take that back. The mathematical equation is easy...showing my work is not. I can use a calculator and show you that calories in must be fewer than calories out but actually doing and showing the work is far more difficult.
I made it out of bed that day and found my way to the gym. I've vowed to stop making excuses to miss appointments with my trainer, Jeff. When I am with Jeff I'm going to start giving it my all. I think I do anyway but I certainly complain the whole time we're working out. I will do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. It may not be much but it's a start.
I overloaded myself with goals and quickly started doubting myself. Once doubt sets in, I give up. It's easier to not attempt a goal than it is to deal with failure. What I failed to realize was that by not trying at all, I was setting myself up for instant disappointment.
With Mike gone so much, it's really important that I continue to focus on me and what makes me a happy and confidant woman. The old saying is true...if you aren't happy with yourself, how can you expect others to be happy with you?
Don't let anybody take your happy....not even you.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Feeling Emotions
Mike got a phone call from his friend Danny the other night. He told Mike he better prepare himself for what's about to take place in our house. I've been under the control of synthetic hormones for so long and my emotions have been somewhat under control because of that. Since I'm no longer on birth control, my emotions can run free.
and boy have they!
I was visiting with my neurologist yesterday and he thinks my 18 days of headaches were caused by hormones. I'm still going in for a brain scan at the end of the week though so we'll see. The doctor asked me if I was actually ADHD or was I just taking adderral. I told him I was ADHD and he asked if I was all over the place since being off the meds. I feel like I have myself under control but then again, I was never as bad as some people. It's hard to explain to an outsider that I have no reason to be medicated right now. I'm not in school and my job is a breeze. Granted I forget to pick up the newspaper from time to time and all hell breaks loose but that's the extent of my trouble on the job. Sitting at work for 8 hours a day with NOTHING to do is my version of hell when I'm on medication. I'm so focused.... ON THE CLOCK. I had nothing else to focus on. Time crawled by. At least now my thoughts are so scattered that the simplest task can send me in 20 different directions and turns a 5 minute project in to a 55 minute project. I'm not complaining... I love to stay busy.
I know I can overwhelm people sometimes because I have episodes where I'm all over the place and excited and going a million miles an hour (Mike deals with this mostly) but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because that's ME. That's MY emotion. I feel it. and then I start crying because I feel emotion. * Cue Mike shaking his head and mumbling something about Danny being right*
My point is, it feels good to feel again.
and boy have they!
I was visiting with my neurologist yesterday and he thinks my 18 days of headaches were caused by hormones. I'm still going in for a brain scan at the end of the week though so we'll see. The doctor asked me if I was actually ADHD or was I just taking adderral. I told him I was ADHD and he asked if I was all over the place since being off the meds. I feel like I have myself under control but then again, I was never as bad as some people. It's hard to explain to an outsider that I have no reason to be medicated right now. I'm not in school and my job is a breeze. Granted I forget to pick up the newspaper from time to time and all hell breaks loose but that's the extent of my trouble on the job. Sitting at work for 8 hours a day with NOTHING to do is my version of hell when I'm on medication. I'm so focused.... ON THE CLOCK. I had nothing else to focus on. Time crawled by. At least now my thoughts are so scattered that the simplest task can send me in 20 different directions and turns a 5 minute project in to a 55 minute project. I'm not complaining... I love to stay busy.
I know I can overwhelm people sometimes because I have episodes where I'm all over the place and excited and going a million miles an hour (Mike deals with this mostly) but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry because that's ME. That's MY emotion. I feel it. and then I start crying because I feel emotion. * Cue Mike shaking his head and mumbling something about Danny being right*
My point is, it feels good to feel again.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
AIDS Walk Los Angeles 2010
Who's doing it?! ME!!!
I just have to start by saying that the past week was possibly one of the worst weeks for me health-wise in a very long time. My migraine was awful and lasted over a week. Today is the first day that I've felt mostly good in what seems like ages. Every now and then I get sharp pains in the back of my head but I'll take that over constant sharp pain any day!! Do you experience migraines? If so, what's your remedy?
I ran a bunch of errands this morning and as I was leaving the tanning salon I noticed a AIDS Walk sign with registration information. I am really excited about this and can't wait to raise money for it. THEN, I noticed the Avon walk for breast cancer so I grabbed info on that too. I hope to do both.
Speaking of breast cancer... check out this guy Monsterami PINK!! 25% of the purchase price will go to Susan G. Komen foundation. They are so cute and you can get personal tags made for them. Monsterami's make great gifts so be sure to check out the website.
The AIDS walk is October 17th and starts at 8:30 AM. You can register online at aidswalk.net or by calling (213)201-9255.
I just have to start by saying that the past week was possibly one of the worst weeks for me health-wise in a very long time. My migraine was awful and lasted over a week. Today is the first day that I've felt mostly good in what seems like ages. Every now and then I get sharp pains in the back of my head but I'll take that over constant sharp pain any day!! Do you experience migraines? If so, what's your remedy?
I ran a bunch of errands this morning and as I was leaving the tanning salon I noticed a AIDS Walk sign with registration information. I am really excited about this and can't wait to raise money for it. THEN, I noticed the Avon walk for breast cancer so I grabbed info on that too. I hope to do both.
Speaking of breast cancer... check out this guy Monsterami PINK!! 25% of the purchase price will go to Susan G. Komen foundation. They are so cute and you can get personal tags made for them. Monsterami's make great gifts so be sure to check out the website.
The AIDS walk is October 17th and starts at 8:30 AM. You can register online at aidswalk.net or by calling (213)201-9255.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Post Crazy
That's me today. Can you tell Mike is out of town?
The cat is sick again. Can you tell Mike is out of town? ha! The dog has also been sick. Remind me again why we're getting a second dog? Oh... that's right. We're crazy.
I've been plagued by migraines for several years. It started when I was 20 and sort of went away when I got on birth control. I started cycling through my pills to avoid having them. In April I spoke with my doctor about my migraines and she gave me a hormone patch and some migraine medicine. I had completely forgotten about the migraines when I chose to go off hormonal birth control. Dr. S asked me what I planned to do about the migraines and I had no idea. I hoped that they were a thing of the past.
They're not. It started Wednesday only I didn't recognize the signs. Tab and I were going for happy hour and I couldn't walk straight. This was before the drinks. I just felt dizzy. By the time we got back to her house that night, my head was in full on headache mode. I downed some water and tried to sleep it off. The next day I started taking Excedrin hoping to keep the migraine away. I had stuff to do that day. Today... same story. I came home from work and took a Trexmet and hoped for the best. I think at that point my psyche finally succumbed to what I had been fighting.
Next thing I know, I'm squeezing my head and sobbing. I was so scared. I've never had to go through the pain of a migraine alone and this was by much worse than anything else I had every experienced. My neck hurt, I wanted to throw up and I couldn't stop crying which was only making it worse. I was considering going to hospital but knew I couldn't drive. I have a really hard time asking people for help. What if they took me and I felt better? I'd feel stupid. I sent a text message to my good friend Dr. Dennis asking him about drug interactions.
Let me say that I was very disappointed with my body at this point. Here I am trying to better myself by not taking prescription drugs and now I want to know about drug interactions?! Big sigh.
Anyway. I feel much better now. The soma helped more than anything else. My forehead was so tense that I looked like I had a scowl on my face. It was so painful.
The purpose of this post is to ask what YOU do for migraines. When I worked for a Chiropractor, that totally did the trick but I'm not in a place financially to see a chiro a few times a week. This bums me out beyond belief but it is one of my goals. I know a few patients we had used a spray product that would help with their headaches and I WISH I remembered what it was.
I'm all about naturopathic remedies so please share yours.
The cat is sick again. Can you tell Mike is out of town? ha! The dog has also been sick. Remind me again why we're getting a second dog? Oh... that's right. We're crazy.
I've been plagued by migraines for several years. It started when I was 20 and sort of went away when I got on birth control. I started cycling through my pills to avoid having them. In April I spoke with my doctor about my migraines and she gave me a hormone patch and some migraine medicine. I had completely forgotten about the migraines when I chose to go off hormonal birth control. Dr. S asked me what I planned to do about the migraines and I had no idea. I hoped that they were a thing of the past.
They're not. It started Wednesday only I didn't recognize the signs. Tab and I were going for happy hour and I couldn't walk straight. This was before the drinks. I just felt dizzy. By the time we got back to her house that night, my head was in full on headache mode. I downed some water and tried to sleep it off. The next day I started taking Excedrin hoping to keep the migraine away. I had stuff to do that day. Today... same story. I came home from work and took a Trexmet and hoped for the best. I think at that point my psyche finally succumbed to what I had been fighting.
Next thing I know, I'm squeezing my head and sobbing. I was so scared. I've never had to go through the pain of a migraine alone and this was by much worse than anything else I had every experienced. My neck hurt, I wanted to throw up and I couldn't stop crying which was only making it worse. I was considering going to hospital but knew I couldn't drive. I have a really hard time asking people for help. What if they took me and I felt better? I'd feel stupid. I sent a text message to my good friend Dr. Dennis asking him about drug interactions.
Let me say that I was very disappointed with my body at this point. Here I am trying to better myself by not taking prescription drugs and now I want to know about drug interactions?! Big sigh.
Anyway. I feel much better now. The soma helped more than anything else. My forehead was so tense that I looked like I had a scowl on my face. It was so painful.
The purpose of this post is to ask what YOU do for migraines. When I worked for a Chiropractor, that totally did the trick but I'm not in a place financially to see a chiro a few times a week. This bums me out beyond belief but it is one of my goals. I know a few patients we had used a spray product that would help with their headaches and I WISH I remembered what it was.
I'm all about naturopathic remedies so please share yours.
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